Recently visited a coffee shop downtown with my sister and decided to walk around and see what was going on that day and this song came on around the store.. and I do have to say, it was quite appropriate for the day.. the weather was about 68 and the sun was out.. it was not too early but not too late in the day.. just a very relaxed calm morning to early afternoon.. but anyway, it was a very very nice day.. my kind of day.
Every now and then I like to take these kinds of trips. Not extensive trips but trips that are just calm and relaxing. A visit downtown usually works for me. Just me and my music, enjoying the weather and enjoying a hot cup of tea or coffee. It helps me recollect myself. Recharge in a way. Away from tons of people and away from the daily things I usually do. (school and work) It these random days that help me stay composed.. help me clear out my mind that consisted of everyone’s expectations and be just left with what is, my own.. My own principles. My own thoughts. My own self.
The wind is blowing through my windows and I feel the cold night breeze on my bare shoulders… Every now and then I would hear people talking beneath me and sirens lighting up behind some trees.. I’m laying in my bed under the warm covers and I close my eyes letting my mind wander into what my day consisted of and patiently…. Very patiently…. awaiting the sound of your tone through my phone. I don’t know actually if you will talk to me but sometimes.. Out of the blue I get an unexpected message and I couldn’t help but smile… Although occasionally on nights like these where I let my mind wander… My heart feels a little empty and I couldn’t help but sink into this mindset that in reality…. You’re not here with me..your so far away from me…
— William F. Scolavino (via instila)
— Alan Cohen (via quotethat)
Finally made it back to my parents place and I have to say.. I don’t particularly like these kinds of trips… I mean don’t get me wrong, I love to see my family whenever I can especially my grandmother.. but when family coming from New York are here, it gets to be a little too much.. To many people to entertain.. And times like these.. I just want to retreat to a quiet area and enjoy the environment I am in..
I consciously remind myself to just breathe. Close my eyes and inhale. For some reason tonight I am a little uncomfortable… Anxious.. for some reason tonight is like that.. Maybe its because there is so many people around that I feel that I can’t hear my own thoughts.. Makes me claustrophobic..
There is so much running through my mind that I’m not sure I can put into words… Lots of them consist of all the things I have to do this weekend AND on top of that, I have to prepare for an exam… It’s times like this that I can’t procrastinate yet.. I feel very overwhelmed… I feel overloaded.. I guess the appropriate word would be stressed…
My dad just asked if I was okay and I almost wanted to cry and say no but I know that would not be the best option for me. A sign of weakness is something my dad will not forget nor do I want to show that I am weak to him. On top of that, I don’t want to ruin everyone’s mood for this weekend.. I just have to time manage everything.. maybe.. maybe I can pull it off.. But it will test my determination.. It will test my ability to concentrate and focus on the goal.. Just breathe. Just remember to breathe. One step at a time…
“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”
— Cheryl Strayed, Tiny Beautiful Things (via quotethat)
I have been working on this post for the longest time yet I never got around to finishing it and just end up deleting everything before and start fresh.. I’m not sure why that is since this blogging thing comes naturally to me. Its to the point where its my outlet from work and school.. (maybe you can already tell)
I have a busy weekend ahead of me and yet I am setting aside time to work on this post. I can feel this post in the back of my mind. But the main reason why its bugging me is that the whole reason I drafted this is because of this quote and this specific quote opened a new outlook I have on things.
I’m the type of person that I can not lose. Quitting is not in my vocabulary nor is giving up. I try and I try till I can no longer do what I set out to accomplish. Yet even at that point, acceptance is.. very difficult.. Of course who would accept that they loss? Not me… I’ve always been hard on myself about that… I find that I can’t accept my own failures. It’s never okay for me to accept that I failed at something because I’ve been raised to perform at my best and to succeed in everything. After all, if you tried your best, you should succeed right? But as I’m growing up.. slowly getting to see little bits and pieces about the world around me, I see that not everything goes according to plan. Even if you try your best.. even if I worked my ass off and got a “less acceptable grade” on something… I find it so hard to accept that…
A part of me wants to embrace acceptance yet another part is reluctant to accept failure. But.. maybe I just need to find the part where there is a happy median to it….