— D.H.G (via quotethat)
— Maureen Medved, The Tracey Fragments (via quotethat)
Yesterday was my birthday and my family took me out to the bayfront where its a park and boat dock. I haven’t been there since I was a child and it felt nice to be back with everyone there. I found a seat attached like a swing and sat there in front of the water just looking around at my family who were spread out at different seats in the park…
There was a brief moment where when I looked at my dad, I saw a lot more grey hair than the last time I saw him… For some reason I was shocked. I don’t know why I was honestly since I knew my parents are growing older as I am… but.. I guess in my heart/mind I thought my dad wouldn’t grow old.. It kinda break my heart but also made me realize that I no longer am a child but a growing adult of 22.. There will be one day that I too.. will grow silver hairs..
For several years now I have always believed that I HAVE to be the best of the best. Meaning, I must succeed in everything. Failure is seen as a sin and treated as a death sentence. And honestly, I have always grown up thinking that. If I were to fail, I have let myself down and my parents and I was so afraid of becoming such… a failure in their eyes.. Letting my parents down.. it wasn’t an option, ever.
But I recently went through a sort of “experience” if you call it that forced me to see that.. all my worries, all the stress I put on my own shoulders, the constant fears I have been holding onto.. were just my own barriers that kept me from the truth I already knew..
At some point of my college journey I knew that my parents no longer ask too much from me. As in they no longer want me to pursue what I thought to be their dream for me. I knew that they just want me to be happy. To be living a happy life of my own choosing. And somehow, at that point, it didn’t click. I didn’t find it acceptable and therefore disregarded this “realization”. Well.. that was a mistake because I put myself, mentally and physically, through so much misery that I was afraid of my own mind and body.. I literally pushed my mind to the limit and felt that I lost myself. Everything that I owned felt foreign. The people I hold close to my heart felt like strangers. The person I see in front of my mirror was not me but someone else. It was like I was someone else and the life I once knew and had, was a lie and that reality was I had nothing and no one..
Of course, I am not in that mentality anymore.. It just took a while for me to “recover” myself and my mind. I can’t say I am completely back to my happy cheerful self but I can say I am better than I was.. The first few days were rough but my parents were constantly showering me with love.. I am so grateful.. that my family helped me through this experience because it made me see that all the stress that I put myself through.. was actually all in my mind.. I was wrong to think that way and I see that now.. I am no less of a human if I failed a class. Just try again. I am constantly reminded that I don’t have to be the top. I can be second, or third, or even number 17. As long as I have tried the best I can (without mentally harming myself) then that is all that matters to me… I will continue to smile and live my life as it comes and goes.
— John Burroughs (via instila)
I know I should be studying but here I am, again another long night, and the calmness through my body is overwhelming..
My last two final exams for this semester is this coming Thursday and I know I should be 1) anxious and 2) studying like a mad women but I am doing neither or those.. I don’t know if that is a bad thing or a good thing..
I mean I’ve come to the conclusion that I am going to fail one of my classes this semester and I accept that because I was in wayyy over my head to take 16 credit hours one semester and work at the same time. So passing all my other classes but one is okay for me.. I am not going to push myself to the limit and go through what I did a few weeks back (which was a very dark path for me) for a class.. As much as I want to pass all my classes, sometimes… I just have to reminder myself that.. I am not weak nor am I incapable of achievement, I am limited as a Human being. In other words, it isn’t because I didn’t try my best, it is because as a human being, we can only do so much, try so much, before we shatter. And honestly, I didn’t see the day where I can come to accept this fact.
What I’ve been through and gained from is.. there is nothing in the world worth putting my life at risk for, both mentally and physically. Therefore, I will put one foot in front of the other and try again. Because I will really have given up if I didn’t stand back up again.
— Alexander Graham Bell (via instila)
— Booker T. Washingto (via instila)